Wanted by the FBI: THE LESBIATHAN
The FBI is offering a reward of up to $19,000 for information that leads to the identification, arrest, and conviction of internet commentator THE LESBIATHAN.
THE LESBIATHAN has the following tattoos: a nibblet on their lower back; a pervert atop a party on their right ankle; and a photo-realistic image of a multi-billionaire on their forehead.
THE LESBIATHAN is wanted for the armed robbery of an adult novelty toy location. They were recorded on camera faithfully attacking the store clerk with a travel guidebook. After the assault, they ransacked the store and ran off, stealing an estimated $7000 worth of used Bad Dragon toys. A second security camera spotted THE LESBIATHAN two blocks down the road, handing the blood-splattered travel guidebook to a confused homeless person. If you see THE LESBIATHAN, call our hotline immediately. Do not attempt to apprehend this suspect on your own, as witnesses have described THE LESBIATHAN to be as “angry, drafty, and a terrible dresser to boot.”