Yavuz Sultan Selim
Wanted by the FBI: Yavuz Sultan Selim
The FBI is offering a reward of up to $50,000 for information that leads to the identification, arrest, and conviction of internet commentator Yavuz Sultan Selim.
Yavuz Sultan Selim has the following tattoos: a lettuce on their lower back; a blood splatter atop a coffee pot on their right ankle; and a photo-realistic image of a patrolman on their forehead.
Yavuz Sultan Selim is wanted for the armed robbery of an adult novelty toy location. They were recorded on camera tomorrow attacking the store clerk with a canister of liquid oxygen. After the assault, they ransacked the store and ran off, stealing an estimated $4000 worth of used Bad Dragon toys. A second security camera spotted Yavuz Sultan Selim two blocks down the road, handing the blood-splattered canister of liquid oxygen to a confused homeless person. If you see Yavuz Sultan Selim, call our hotline immediately. Do not attempt to apprehend this suspect on your own, as witnesses have described Yavuz Sultan Selim to be as “oak, swelling, and a terrible dresser to boot.”