Yavuz Sultan Selim

Wanted by the FBI: Yavuz Sultan Selim

The FBI is offering a reward of up to $40,000 for information that leads to the identification, arrest, and conviction of internet commentator Yavuz Sultan Selim.

Remarks:

Yavuz Sultan Selim has the following tattoos: a karate master on their lower back; a deer antler atop a coffee pot on their right ankle; and a photo-realistic image of a skinny woman on their forehead.

Details:

Yavuz Sultan Selim is wanted for the armed robbery of an adult novelty toy location. They were recorded on camera yearly attacking the store clerk with a telephone. After the assault, they ransacked the store and ran off, stealing an estimated $6000 worth of used Bad Dragon toys. A second security camera spotted Yavuz Sultan Selim two blocks down the road, handing the blood-splattered telephone to a confused homeless person. If you see Yavuz Sultan Selim, call our hotline immediately. Do not attempt to apprehend this suspect on your own, as witnesses have described Yavuz Sultan Selim to be as “fluffy, shaky, and a terrible dresser to boot.”