Wanted by the FBI: Vinny Possum
The FBI is offering a reward of up to $43,000 for information that leads to the identification, arrest, and conviction of internet commentator Vinny Possum.
Vinny Possum has the following tattoos: a wrinkle on their lower back; a toilet seat atop a decrepit Irish cottage on their right ankle; and a photo-realistic image of a knife on their forehead.
Vinny Possum is wanted for the armed robbery of an adult novelty toy location. They were recorded on camera daily attacking the store clerk with a broken bra. After the assault, they ransacked the store and ran off, stealing an estimated $4000 worth of used Bad Dragon toys. A second security camera spotted Vinny Possum two blocks down the road, handing the blood-splattered broken bra to a confused homeless person. If you see Vinny Possum, call our hotline immediately. Do not attempt to apprehend this suspect on your own, as witnesses have described Vinny Possum to be as “oak, stunned, and a terrible dresser to boot.”