Wanted by the FBI: Turkeyvolume
The FBI is offering a reward of up to $15,000 for information that leads to the identification, arrest, and conviction of internet commentator Turkeyvolume.
Turkeyvolume has the following tattoos: a volcanic crater on their lower back; a friendly grandma atop a tank on their right ankle; and a photo-realistic image of a laser beam on their forehead.
Turkeyvolume is wanted for the armed robbery of an adult novelty toy location. They were recorded on camera vivaciously attacking the store clerk with a famous landscape painting. After the assault, they ransacked the store and ran off, stealing an estimated $8000 worth of used Bad Dragon toys. A second security camera spotted Turkeyvolume two blocks down the road, handing the blood-splattered famous landscape painting to a confused homeless person. If you see Turkeyvolume, call our hotline immediately. Do not attempt to apprehend this suspect on your own, as witnesses have described Turkeyvolume to be as “violent, screeching, and a terrible dresser to boot.”