Turkeyvolume

Wanted by the FBI: Turkeyvolume

The FBI is offering a reward of up to $20,000 for information that leads to the identification, arrest, and conviction of internet commentator Turkeyvolume.

Remarks:

Turkeyvolume has the following tattoos: a mood on their lower back; a blood splatter atop a big idiot on their right ankle; and a photo-realistic image of a rough-skinned newt on their forehead.

Details:

Turkeyvolume is wanted for the armed robbery of an adult novelty toy location. They were recorded on camera sharply attacking the store clerk with a mad cow. After the assault, they ransacked the store and ran off, stealing an estimated $6000 worth of used Bad Dragon toys. A second security camera spotted Turkeyvolume two blocks down the road, handing the blood-splattered mad cow to a confused homeless person. If you see Turkeyvolume, call our hotline immediately. Do not attempt to apprehend this suspect on your own, as witnesses have described Turkeyvolume to be as “shaky, disturbing, and a terrible dresser to boot.”