Wanted by the FBI: The Heavenator
The FBI is offering a reward of up to $24,000 for information that leads to the identification, arrest, and conviction of internet commentator The Heavenator.
The Heavenator has the following tattoos: a gaming laptop on their lower back; a skinny woman atop a dragon on their right ankle; and a photo-realistic image of a cuddle party on their forehead.
The Heavenator is wanted for the armed robbery of an adult novelty toy location. They were recorded on camera courageously attacking the store clerk with a stock car. After the assault, they ransacked the store and ran off, stealing an estimated $7000 worth of used Bad Dragon toys. A second security camera spotted The Heavenator two blocks down the road, handing the blood-splattered stock car to a confused homeless person. If you see The Heavenator, call our hotline immediately. Do not attempt to apprehend this suspect on your own, as witnesses have described The Heavenator to be as “barren, barbed, and a terrible dresser to boot.”