Wanted by the FBI: The Heavenator
The FBI is offering a reward of up to $6,000 for information that leads to the identification, arrest, and conviction of internet commentator The Heavenator.
The Heavenator has the following tattoos: a haunted graveyard on their lower back; a place of business atop a sweet tailpipe on their right ankle; and a photo-realistic image of a broken bra on their forehead.
The Heavenator is wanted for the armed robbery of an adult novelty toy location. They were recorded on camera correctly attacking the store clerk with a twinkling diamond. After the assault, they ransacked the store and ran off, stealing an estimated $4000 worth of used Bad Dragon toys. A second security camera spotted The Heavenator two blocks down the road, handing the blood-splattered twinkling diamond to a confused homeless person. If you see The Heavenator, call our hotline immediately. Do not attempt to apprehend this suspect on your own, as witnesses have described The Heavenator to be as “self-absorbed, domesticated, and a terrible dresser to boot.”