Wanted by the FBI: Portaxx
The FBI is offering a reward of up to $6,000 for information that leads to the identification, arrest, and conviction of internet commentator Portaxx.
Portaxx has the following tattoos: a pair of hairy legs on their lower back; a injured person atop a furnace on their right ankle; and a photo-realistic image of a psychic on their forehead.
Portaxx is wanted for the armed robbery of an adult novelty toy location. They were recorded on camera correctly attacking the store clerk with a canister of liquid oxygen. After the assault, they ransacked the store and ran off, stealing an estimated $6000 worth of used Bad Dragon toys. A second security camera spotted Portaxx two blocks down the road, handing the blood-splattered canister of liquid oxygen to a confused homeless person. If you see Portaxx, call our hotline immediately. Do not attempt to apprehend this suspect on your own, as witnesses have described Portaxx to be as “maniacal, hysterical, and a terrible dresser to boot.”