Wanted by the FBI: Portaxx
The FBI is offering a reward of up to $3,000 for information that leads to the identification, arrest, and conviction of internet commentator Portaxx.
Portaxx has the following tattoos: a karate master on their lower back; a dog poop atop a stock car on their right ankle; and a photo-realistic image of a nibblet on their forehead.
Portaxx is wanted for the armed robbery of an adult novelty toy location. They were recorded on camera easily attacking the store clerk with a telephone. After the assault, they ransacked the store and ran off, stealing an estimated $7000 worth of used Bad Dragon toys. A second security camera spotted Portaxx two blocks down the road, handing the blood-splattered telephone to a confused homeless person. If you see Portaxx, call our hotline immediately. Do not attempt to apprehend this suspect on your own, as witnesses have described Portaxx to be as “vengeful, spitfire, and a terrible dresser to boot.”