Portaxx

Wanted by the FBI: Portaxx

The FBI is offering a reward of up to $15,000 for information that leads to the identification, arrest, and conviction of internet commentator Portaxx.

Remarks:

Portaxx has the following tattoos: a boy mayor of secondlife on their lower back; a mediation atop a toilet seat on their right ankle; and a photo-realistic image of a police squad on their forehead.

Details:

Portaxx is wanted for the armed robbery of an adult novelty toy location. They were recorded on camera calmly attacking the store clerk with a knife. After the assault, they ransacked the store and ran off, stealing an estimated $5000 worth of used Bad Dragon toys. A second security camera spotted Portaxx two blocks down the road, handing the blood-splattered knife to a confused homeless person. If you see Portaxx, call our hotline immediately. Do not attempt to apprehend this suspect on your own, as witnesses have described Portaxx to be as “narrow-minded, sacrificed, and a terrible dresser to boot.”