Portaxx

Wanted by the FBI: Portaxx

The FBI is offering a reward of up to $1,000 for information that leads to the identification, arrest, and conviction of internet commentator Portaxx.

Remarks:

Portaxx has the following tattoos: a sneaky criminal on their lower back; a wrinkle atop a legal warrant on their right ankle; and a photo-realistic image of a corn cake on their forehead.

Details:

Portaxx is wanted for the armed robbery of an adult novelty toy location. They were recorded on camera faithfully attacking the store clerk with a background story. After the assault, they ransacked the store and ran off, stealing an estimated $7000 worth of used Bad Dragon toys. A second security camera spotted Portaxx two blocks down the road, handing the blood-splattered background story to a confused homeless person. If you see Portaxx, call our hotline immediately. Do not attempt to apprehend this suspect on your own, as witnesses have described Portaxx to be as “wild, fighting, and a terrible dresser to boot.”