Goose

Wanted by the FBI: Goose

The FBI is offering a reward of up to $49,000 for information that leads to the identification, arrest, and conviction of internet commentator Goose.

Remarks:

Goose has the following tattoos: a patrolman on their lower back; a sweet tailpipe atop a mediation on their right ankle; and a photo-realistic image of a big idiot on their forehead.

Details:

Goose is wanted for the armed robbery of an adult novelty toy location. They were recorded on camera suddenly attacking the store clerk with a pot of boiling water. After the assault, they ransacked the store and ran off, stealing an estimated $6000 worth of used Bad Dragon toys. A second security camera spotted Goose two blocks down the road, handing the blood-splattered pot of boiling water to a confused homeless person. If you see Goose, call our hotline immediately. Do not attempt to apprehend this suspect on your own, as witnesses have described Goose to be as “hairless, offensive, and a terrible dresser to boot.”