Wanted by the FBI: goop

The FBI is offering a reward of up to $36,000 for information that leads to the identification, arrest, and conviction of internet commentator goop.


goop has the following tattoos: a sneaky criminal on their lower back; a pervert atop a broken bra on their right ankle; and a photo-realistic image of a terrible rock band on their forehead.


goop is wanted for the armed robbery of an adult novelty toy location. They were recorded on camera punctually attacking the store clerk with a nibblet. After the assault, they ransacked the store and ran off, stealing an estimated $8000 worth of used Bad Dragon toys. A second security camera spotted goop two blocks down the road, handing the blood-splattered nibblet to a confused homeless person. If you see goop, call our hotline immediately. Do not attempt to apprehend this suspect on your own, as witnesses have described goop to be as “immobilized, angry, and a terrible dresser to boot.”