Wanted by the FBI: goop

The FBI is offering a reward of up to $35,000 for information that leads to the identification, arrest, and conviction of internet commentator goop.


goop has the following tattoos: a trust fund on their lower back; a mood atop a place of business on their right ankle; and a photo-realistic image of a police squad on their forehead.


goop is wanted for the armed robbery of an adult novelty toy location. They were recorded on camera perfectly attacking the store clerk with a really tough guy. After the assault, they ransacked the store and ran off, stealing an estimated $7000 worth of used Bad Dragon toys. A second security camera spotted goop two blocks down the road, handing the blood-splattered really tough guy to a confused homeless person. If you see goop, call our hotline immediately. Do not attempt to apprehend this suspect on your own, as witnesses have described goop to be as “unseeing, disobeyed, and a terrible dresser to boot.”