Wanted by the FBI: EldritchHat
The FBI is offering a reward of up to $46,000 for information that leads to the identification, arrest, and conviction of internet commentator EldritchHat.
EldritchHat has the following tattoos: a place of business on their lower back; a big idiot atop a mess on their right ankle; and a photo-realistic image of a multi-billionaire on their forehead.
EldritchHat is wanted for the armed robbery of an adult novelty toy location. They were recorded on camera defiantly attacking the store clerk with a furnace. After the assault, they ransacked the store and ran off, stealing an estimated $4000 worth of used Bad Dragon toys. A second security camera spotted EldritchHat two blocks down the road, handing the blood-splattered furnace to a confused homeless person. If you see EldritchHat, call our hotline immediately. Do not attempt to apprehend this suspect on your own, as witnesses have described EldritchHat to be as “disgusting, splashed, and a terrible dresser to boot.”