iUniverse Publishing presents…

The Taming of the drafty lettuce, by Beelzeboob

”My dear Beelzeboob! You’ll never know how much I truly love you!” said the lettuce

“As do I” Beelzeboob replied busily. “Alas, our love was not meant to be. After all, you are to be wed to the great duke private investor of Canterbury in the morning!”

“But he is not a world-renown podcast member like you are!” the lettuce cried aloud. “Compared to you, private investor is like a self-centered french chef.” The lettuce then spat upon the floor, as to prove her point.

“Oh, my dear drafty lettuce, I know all too well what you mean. But that is simply how the world turns. Unless…” B paused for a moment to think. “No, that would not be the proper Victorian thing to do...”

“What is it Beelzeboob, my love?” the lettuce inquired. Beelzeboob stared back at her, then broke into a smile. “Unless we elope my love. Come with me, let us run into the night, and make studded love under the moonlight! Maybe we can even do that thing again where you take that nibblet and shove it up-”

At that very moment, the bedroom door slammed open, shocking the two lovers. “I’m afraid that won’t be happening,” great duke private investor growled, leaning against the door frame. “For tomorrow, after the wedding, lettuce will be drafty no longer. As for you, Beelzeboob, you will be hanged for your adulterous crimes!”

Purchase a copy of The Taming of the drafty lettuce to find out what happens next!

$15.99 Paperback

$13.99 Digital

Beelzeboob has appeared in:

Fet A LifeText of Kin/r/eally_vain